When mum leaves the house (e.g. out to the shop), the toddler hollers. In my case, my four-year old still wails his lungs out when he wakes up without mum in the house. It can be exasperating and stressful for mum and the caregivers (who looks after junior whilst mum is away).

While my son handles “TV time’s up” and “Let’s go home” pretty well, there have been other trying times when supreme patience comes into play. When he first started pre-school early in the year, he became resistant after two days. Going to school had been something he was looking all forward to since we took him to the school for registration.

He gave all kinds of excuses and even said he preferred to be at home. And because my boy has the ability to “reason” with me, I quickly found out the reasons he was refusing school. Before he attended school, he could only understand English. So, when some teachers and friends started communicating with him with Mandarin and Malay, he was stumped and he reacted by “clamping up”. He would tell me that he didn’t want to go to school because he could not draw, write and read; probably inferred from observing his older siblings (aged 10 and 8 years) reading and completing schoolwork. So, the poor boy was all stressed up over the new experiences and at his age, obviously his brain didn’t have the capacity to cope with such challenges.* I communicated this to his three teachers (particularly the ones who speak Mandarin and Malay), and with their close co-operation, my son quickly overcame these fears. On my part, I tried all kinds of persuasion, reasoning and yes, including rewards (such as horse-riding, visits to his favourite friend’s home, birthday party, etc) for each week of school.

Children learn to cope and do life better when the adults around him speak on the same page. Being human and particularly for a growing child, there are numerous milestones (mini and major ones) which he has to tackle. Saying good-bye to something familiar (being at home) and taking on new experiences are factors that trigger his homeostasis.

[* Young children’s higher brain which governs reasoning, problem solving, etc is under-developed and when they experience separation distress and other powerful feelings, they are unable to think and calm themselves down. Thus, their lower brain which activates rage/fear and defence/attack responses becomes the driving seat, resulting in tears. (M. Sunderland, 2006: The Science of Parenting)]

“Oh? Why should we do that?”

“We have to take care of the earth. The earth is sick,” he announced in between bites of his cake which he helped to bake earlier in the day.

He had just returned from the kindergarten, after spending three and half hours in the afternoon on a daily basis. I knew the kindy teachers must have talked to their students about Earth Hour (March 28^th, 8.30pm).

My son is rather shy in school and not particularly very participative in the movement and dance activities. During the first few weeks in the new term (In January), I had often stayed on to accompany him during the daily assemblies at the school hall where 200 children aged three and six years gathered for group exercise and “current affairs education”. My boy would usually stand observing everyone in action; quite rarely he would attempt to join in. However, he is completely different at home. He has performed for me all the songs he learnt in school. Most of the time whenever I ask how the day has been for him, he would reply, “wonderful’ or “fun” or even “amazing”…probably picked up the word from his favourite story book titled, “The Gruffalo”. So, it is indeed a pleasant surprise that he could remind me to switch off the essential lights for Earth Hour on Saturday, 28^th March.

This kindergarten, operated by the Soka Gakkai Cultural Group, has never failed to enlighten me about education and its purpose. In January, during one of the assemblies, the school supervisor presented a slide show of birds flying in the sky and then followed by an aeroplane. Then she narrated about the courageous pilot who did an emergency landing on the frozen Hudson River, in the United States, thus saving over a hundred lives. She explained that some birds were sucked into one of the plane’s engines which caused its failure. As she spoke in dual languages (English and Mandarin), photographs of the rescue mission on the Hudson River were shown on the big screen for the children. Then she told the children that no one was injured because “everyone listened, lined up one-by-one and followed instructions to safety”. She emphasized the importance of such instructions during emergency. The school was, at this time, educating the children about fire drills. My son, like many others, was also learning about being in a queue for the first time. Before she concluded the session, a portrait of Mr Barrack Obama came onto the screen. “Children, do you know this man? He is a very important man and tomorrow he will be making history in the United States of America and the world. Let me tell you all about it tomorrow.”

With such a teaser, even I wouldn’t miss it for the world. So, I found myself at the hall again the next afternoon. I wondered what the school’s message for the children might be? The supervisor prepared her material well. Without getting into the complexity of the serious affair, she highlighted Mr Barrack Obama’s key message in his inauguration speech as the 44^th President of the United States of America: be friendly to our neighbours and everyone in the world. Through tolerance and understanding, we can achieve peace and harmony together. What a lovely way to present it!

My two older children (now aged 11 and 9) had also benefited from this school’s philosophy. When the Iraq war broke out, the teachers revised a huge part of the curriculum to concentrate on educating the children about atrocities of war and the importance of peace and harmony through creative approaches. Similarly when the tsunami came and changed the lives of millions, the school proactively educated the children about generosity, kindness and love. All the their lessons were done at the level of the children’s development.

School like this is a rare breed. So far, I have yet to come across another kindergarten which would go to such lengths to instill good virtues in their students. Kindergartens in my area are more concerned about making a child write and count and recite the ABCs. They are given homework (writing pages of the alphabet and memorizing words for spelling tests) and examinations. I once protested about examinations and homework to a kindergarten teacher who operates a mere 50 metres from my home. I was told that they requested by parents. Parents, apparently would worry if their children cannot read or write at age 5 or 6.

The respondents, at ages 13 and 15, were asked if they had sniffed glue, gasoline or other inhalants or had used illegal drugs or drunk alcoholic beverages in the past year. They were also assessed for conduct disorders such as fighting, bullying, destroying, telling lies, truancy and stealing before their teen years and their family history, including whether either parent had a criminal record and whether the child was mistreated.

Those who were exposed to drugs and alcohol before age 15 also had significantly more criminal charges while the girls who experimented with the substances were more likely to become pregnant before age 21.

In another finding (www.dramenclinic.com), 52 per cent of adolescents would have consumed alcohol by their 8th grade while 41 per cent have smoked cigarettes and 20 per cent have used marijuana.

As a parent, I am well aware that merely informing our offspring about the findings might not hit home with them. The well meaning words might come across as nagging even. Last week,a dear friend (a consultant kinesiologist who works with children of all ages on their learning blocks and brain integration) sent me a very beautiful DVD by Dr Daniel Amen titled: Which Brain Do You Want?

The DVD features chats with five young people from different backgrounds, with different levels of substance abuse, including two who chose to stay clear of drugs or alcohol. They talk about how their choices have had affected their quality of life.

The highlight of the video is the brain scans of these youngsters. Viewers can see how drugs and alcohol can damage one’s brain and the physical impact of the substance on brain function.

If this video is shown in every classroom of youngsters aged 12 and above, the impact it creates will be tremendous. Millions of dollars are spent each year on campaigns to get our kids off the substance. In my opinion, when these kids are bombarded with lectures and posters throughout, somewhere along the way, their brains have tuned out. Perhaps by showing them evidence of how drugs and alcohol damage their brains, they might be able to make the right choice for life.

by S Jayasankaran

You know why you have to be nice to your kids? In the end, they’ll choose your nursing home.

Anyway, I have great confidence in Raisa. She’s 16 and my only child and I think she has great taste in nursing homes so I’m not worried at all. Well, at least that’s what my wife says and I have even greater confidence in my wife. You think?

She was a lovely child and when she was born it was love at first sight. Until, of course, she took a second look.

Anyway, I digress. She was a really good kid and, at five, she went to the United States with my wife who was beginning her PhD at the University of Georgia . So she had to go to school there which was how I suddenly had a six year-old daughter with a slight Southern accent who used to laugh at the way I spoke. Inspecting her homework one day when I went to the U S, I had great hopes for her impending medical career: she certainly had the handwriting for it.

Then she came back at the age of eight, began going to school here and, slowly but surely, the accent began fading, catalysed, no doubt, by the puzzled looks thrown her way by her friends who all spoke “normally”. But she was also changing. In those days, she couldn’t wait to be with her parents and she wanted to go everywhere we went.

But in her teens, she couldn’t wait to be with her friends and wouldn’t be seen dead holding my hand when I sent her to school. It was that awkward age where they all knew how to start a phone call but didn’t know how to end it.

I remember going to Singapore for an Eagles concert. I mean, here we were talking about Don Henley and Glen Frey, we were talking legends. And what does Raisa say? “No, you guys go ahead, I think I’ll just stay here in the hotel and watch TV.” Go figure!

Well, it wasn’t all bad. Another time, I persuaded her to come with us to watch David Gates at Genting, pointing out that this was the guy who’d composed and sung “If” and “Make It with You”, songs she’d loved as a child. After the show, she grudgingly conceded that Mr Gates was OK but said that I was embarrassing to go with because I’d allegedly sung along. And loudly! So I pointed out that I’d sung melodiously as well.

She said, “Allegedly, Daddy.” Now there’s a future lawyer for you!

What can you say about teenagers? They march to a different kettle of fish, a strange breed of human beings who express their desire to be different by dressing alike; who stop asking where they came from but won’t tell you where they are going.

My wife nods tolerantly and says it’s just a phase. But I don’t remember going through such a phase. If I did, I probably had to cover it up as my father and nearly all my teachers knew that “a phase” was nothing a well applied slap couldn’t cure. It was different in those days because Suhakam * hadn’t yet been invented and no one had any right to have “phases.”

Next year she will be seventeen and she wants to take her driving test. When a teenager wants to drive, wise parents do not stand in their way but I think there’s a good case to be made that only 21-year olds be allowed to drive.

Is Suhakam listening?

(* Editor’s note: Suhakam is an non-governmental organisation advocating human rights)

One woman I know typifies the average working class mother. Her eldest daughter, aged 12, has been given the task to care for her siblings from aged 3. When there are four children, her number two takes over the caring of number three whilst the eldest takes charge of the youngest. When she gets home at 10.30pm (she works at the mall which operates from 10am to 10pm), she expects the house to be in good order. Her husband usually works the graveyard shift as a security guard but when he has to do the day shift, the two older ones do not attend school as they are needed at home to babysit the younger siblings.

Since early February when I started working with the older two girls at their school (as part of a community service programme), I have been unsuccessful in getting an appointment to meet with the mother until last week. She could make it this time as she has stopped working temporarily to prepare for the birth of her fifth child who will be due in two weeks.

Over the weeks as I observe the two girls in their play individually, one common trait that stands out is their inability to overcome a challenge. Whenever the older one tries to make something and if it fails to meet with her expectations, she has no qualms in squashing it and not attempt to do it again. Initially I gave her the space to vent her frustration and allowed her to be. After a number of similar sessions, I asked if she would be willing to share how she was feeling. She said it was no use trying because she could not get it right.

The younger one, aged 9, never got close to the craft table for the a good number of sessions. In the last two sessions when she discovered the therapeutic effects of working with clay, she displayed some level of delight. However, she too shows the same frustration and will simply refuse to try again.

From the long chat with their mother the other day, I have a better understanding why these two girls have the tendency to give up easily. Their mother admits to “always scolding the older ones” because that is how things can get done around the house.

When I tried to point out that to help children develop optimism, they must feel good about themselves and they need to hear when they have done a good job. “No,” she retorted. “I cannot praise them, particularly the eldest one. They will get it up in their heads and they will be worst. Of course I do praise them, but only behind their backs, in front of their father or my sister.”

Many books on parenting that I have read emphasise the importance of praising children when they have done something worthwhile because they deserve to be encouraged to do their best. They will come to feel they are valued and worthwhile when they are included in our daily activities, naturally in the age appropriate activities. However, when they are given the tasks beyond their abilities, they would feel overwhelmed. In time to come, they will start to feel they are not good enough.  They won’t know nor understand that the tasks and responsibilities assigned to them are simply too big for their age. The nine-year old is expected to bathe and feed the younger ones as a daily chore. She was once absent from school because she had to stay with the younger siblings while her mother went out for an ante-natal check-up. Father was at work and the eldest insisted on going to school.

Most will agree that optimism will develop as children learn that challenges can be faced and obstacles can be overcome. But when the challenge is too great and inappropriate, these two girls have inevitably learnt that when something is too much to handle, it is best to leave it alone. Perhaps it is better not to even try.

M.E. P. Seligman in his “The Optimistic Child” (1995) says that when children fail to reach some goal or don’t perform a task well, instead of trying to make them feel better by denying reality, validate their disappointment and teach them active problem solving. Guide them in explaining failures optimistically and accurately. Help them to see what they could do differently in the next attempt. However, don’t take over the task for them because this gives them the message “I don’t think you are capable of doing this.” Instead teach them to master the task through small, achievable steps. Teach them to solve problems rather than turning away from difficulties. It is important not to solve every problem for your child and once you give your child space to solve his own problems, you must not be overly critical of his attempt.

Well, something good has come out of this skepticism. It has just occurred to me that there is a scientific explanation to the Five Love Languages after all – from the neuroscience perspective. I’ve found Margot Sunderland’s “What Every Parent Needs To Know” an excellent source of scientific evidence. Sunderland, a child psychotherapist, is brilliant in her presentation of difficult jargon for the average layperson. It is, in my opinion, another book every parent should read. While she presents facts and lots of practical ways for loving parenting, “The Five Love Languages of Children” offers you additional tools.

When your child has his emotional tank filled (means he has received love through his primary love language, be it physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time or gifts), a surge of positive arousal neurochemicals, comprising mainly opiods, oxytoxin and prolactin, are activated in the brain. These hormones are powerful chemicals produced in the body and brain that give us a sense of well-being. Researchers found that when these hormones are strongly activated in combination, these neurochemicals provide us the deepest sense of calm and contentment.

When your child has lots of loving experiences in early life, her brain is constantly filled with oxytocin and opiods which make her feel very calm, safe and warm inside. Besides allowing her the best environment to explore the world with interest and wonder, she is building up the resilience to handle pain and stressful times in life.

Scientists have found that an individual’s psychological strength is linked to opiods being strongly activated in the brain; this simply means when your child is constantly flooded with opiods, she will grow being able to think under stress and calm herself, be socially confident, warm and kind. She will respond to personal feedback by thinking about what is being said rather than lashing out with anger or leaving and look into a resolution rather than blame in a conflict.

Do check out Gary Chapman’s website on his work at www.fivelovelanguages.com and find out what your child’s love language or yours if you still haven’t a clue. Lots of wonderful stuff there.

It’s important to discover which one of the primary love language your child speaks because by “speaking” it, you can fill his “emotional tank” with love. When he feels loved, he would be much easier to discipline and train. If you have more than one child in the family, you will come to understand each may speak and hear a different love language.

Chapman and Campbell advocate that the best fuel for your child’s emotional tank is unconditional love; show love to a child no matter what the child looks like, regardless of his strengths, difficulties and how he acts. They believe no child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love and that a child may be “spoiled” by lack of training or by unsuitable love that gives or trains incorrectly.

Children need all five languages of love to keep their emotional tank full. To be effective in meeting his need for love, it is vital you learn of his primary love language, the one that speaks louder than the others. When your child is feeling discouraged or distant, you will be able to focus your love by expressing it in his primary language. You will find lots of practical ways to help you learn about your child’s primary love language in the book.

Just be forewarned that it might be challenging to try to figure out your child’s primary love language if he is under five years old. However, the authors reiterate that the foundation of love laid in the early years would not only increase a child’s ability to learn, it would set him up all through his adolescence. If a child enters the adolescence years with an empty emotional tank, he is particularly vulnerable to the problems of the teenage years.

The authors believe that by teaching our children to love others with all the love languages (through our examples) we will be helping them as they grow to become sensitive to the needs of others. To help an infant develop emotionally, you must express love in all the five languages. As your child grows, you will find that one of the five languages speaks far more deeply of your love than the others and when that one is used negatively, he will feel very hurt.

Discovering your child’s love language is a process and it takes time, particularly if your child is young as he is just learning to receive and express love in all the languages. By speaking your child’s primary love language, the authors maintain that it does not guarantee your child will not rebel later but he knows you love him and that can bring him security and hope.