by S Jayasankaran

You know why you have to be nice to your kids? In the end, they’ll choose your nursing home.

Anyway, I have great confidence in Raisa. She’s 16 and my only child and I think she has great taste in nursing homes so I’m not worried at all. Well, at least that’s what my wife says and I have even greater confidence in my wife. You think?

She was a lovely child and when she was born it was love at first sight. Until, of course, she took a second look.

Anyway, I digress. She was a really good kid and, at five, she went to the United States with my wife who was beginning her PhD at the University of Georgia . So she had to go to school there which was how I suddenly had a six year-old daughter with a slight Southern accent who used to laugh at the way I spoke. Inspecting her homework one day when I went to the U S, I had great hopes for her impending medical career: she certainly had the handwriting for it.

Then she came back at the age of eight, began going to school here and, slowly but surely, the accent began fading, catalysed, no doubt, by the puzzled looks thrown her way by her friends who all spoke “normally”. But she was also changing. In those days, she couldn’t wait to be with her parents and she wanted to go everywhere we went.

But in her teens, she couldn’t wait to be with her friends and wouldn’t be seen dead holding my hand when I sent her to school. It was that awkward age where they all knew how to start a phone call but didn’t know how to end it.

I remember going to Singapore for an Eagles concert. I mean, here we were talking about Don Henley and Glen Frey, we were talking legends. And what does Raisa say? “No, you guys go ahead, I think I’ll just stay here in the hotel and watch TV.” Go figure!

Well, it wasn’t all bad. Another time, I persuaded her to come with us to watch David Gates at Genting, pointing out that this was the guy who’d composed and sung “If” and “Make It with You”, songs she’d loved as a child. After the show, she grudgingly conceded that Mr Gates was OK but said that I was embarrassing to go with because I’d allegedly sung along. And loudly! So I pointed out that I’d sung melodiously as well.

She said, “Allegedly, Daddy.” Now there’s a future lawyer for you!

What can you say about teenagers? They march to a different kettle of fish, a strange breed of human beings who express their desire to be different by dressing alike; who stop asking where they came from but won’t tell you where they are going.

My wife nods tolerantly and says it’s just a phase. But I don’t remember going through such a phase. If I did, I probably had to cover it up as my father and nearly all my teachers knew that “a phase” was nothing a well applied slap couldn’t cure. It was different in those days because Suhakam * hadn’t yet been invented and no one had any right to have “phases.”

Next year she will be seventeen and she wants to take her driving test. When a teenager wants to drive, wise parents do not stand in their way but I think there’s a good case to be made that only 21-year olds be allowed to drive.

Is Suhakam listening?

(* Editor’s note: Suhakam is an non-governmental organisation advocating human rights)

Many working parents inadvertently miss out on opportunities to help their children develop optimism due to their long hours spent at work outside the home. When they get home, all they feel like doing is chill out and for those without extra help, will have to get down to managing the household. Cooking and cleaning usually take precedence over spending some quality time with the children.

One woman I know typifies the average working class mother. Her eldest daughter, aged 12, has been given the task to care for her siblings from aged 3. When there are four children, her number two takes over the caring of number three whilst the eldest takes charge of the youngest. When she gets home at 10.30pm (she works at the mall which operates from 10am to 10pm), she expects the house to be in good order. Her husband usually works the graveyard shift as a security guard but when he has to do the day shift, the two older ones do not attend school as they are needed at home to babysit the younger siblings.

Since early February when I started working with the older two girls at their school (as part of a community service programme), I have been unsuccessful in getting an appointment to meet with the mother until last week. She could make it this time as she has stopped working temporarily to prepare for the birth of her fifth child who will be due in two weeks.

Over the weeks as I observe the two girls in their play individually, one common trait that stands out is their inability to overcome a challenge. Whenever the older one tries to make something and if it fails to meet with her expectations, she has no qualms in squashing it and not attempt to do it again. Initially I gave her the space to vent her frustration and allowed her to be. After a number of similar sessions, I asked if she would be willing to share how she was feeling. She said it was no use trying because she could not get it right.

The younger one, aged 9, never got close to the craft table for the a good number of sessions. In the last two sessions when she discovered the therapeutic effects of working with clay, she displayed some level of delight. However, she too shows the same frustration and will simply refuse to try again.

From the long chat with their mother the other day, I have a better understanding why these two girls have the tendency to give up easily. Their mother admits to “always scolding the older ones” because that is how things can get done around the house.

When I tried to point out that to help children develop optimism, they must feel good about themselves and they need to hear when they have done a good job. “No,” she retorted. “I cannot praise them, particularly the eldest one. They will get it up in their heads and they will be worst. Of course I do praise them, but only behind their backs, in front of their father or my sister.”

Many books on parenting that I have read emphasise the importance of praising children when they have done something worthwhile because they deserve to be encouraged to do their best. They will come to feel they are valued and worthwhile when they are included in our daily activities, naturally in the age appropriate activities. However, when they are given the tasks beyond their abilities, they would feel overwhelmed. In time to come, they will start to feel they are not good enough.  They won’t know nor understand that the tasks and responsibilities assigned to them are simply too big for their age. The nine-year old is expected to bathe and feed the younger ones as a daily chore. She was once absent from school because she had to stay with the younger siblings while her mother went out for an ante-natal check-up. Father was at work and the eldest insisted on going to school.

Most will agree that optimism will develop as children learn that challenges can be faced and obstacles can be overcome. But when the challenge is too great and inappropriate, these two girls have inevitably learnt that when something is too much to handle, it is best to leave it alone. Perhaps it is better not to even try.

M.E. P. Seligman in his “The Optimistic Child” (1995) says that when children fail to reach some goal or don’t perform a task well, instead of trying to make them feel better by denying reality, validate their disappointment and teach them active problem solving. Guide them in explaining failures optimistically and accurately. Help them to see what they could do differently in the next attempt. However, don’t take over the task for them because this gives them the message “I don’t think you are capable of doing this.” Instead teach them to master the task through small, achievable steps. Teach them to solve problems rather than turning away from difficulties. It is important not to solve every problem for your child and once you give yoru child space to solve his own problems, you must not be overly critical of his attempt. Last but not least, Seligman offers another gem: “Model a flexible problem-solving strategy yourself.”

For many generations, children had been raised to be seen not heard and to be totally submissive. If anyone dared to be an “individual”, he/she was classified as a rebel or “the naughty one”. As if the labels were not damaging enough, children were often told they were “useless” when their development was not up to expectations.

Two days ago while I was trying to make sense of my friend’s views on tantric sex at a busy coffee shop, my attention was inadvertently diverted to an elderly woman changing a young boy’s soiled shirt. I presumed it was soiled because they had their backs to me. What caught my attention was the woman’s stinging words: “You are so useless!” Although the boy was still in his diapers, he looked like a child of over three years of age. He probably had split a drink or food on himself. And the grumbling woman was probably his grandmother because there was a younger woman seated at the table with a smaller child.

I had been told the same countless of times by my elders when I was growing up and had heard it being said to other children. Recently when I visited my 93-year old paternal grandmother who could no longer sit up due to pain in her back, all she said to me was, “I am so useless now!”

Since I became a mother, I had often gently reminded my parents not to use the “useless” word in front of my children. I realized they probably didn’t understand how damaging that word was. They were probably not consciously aware that such a word could affect the level of self-esteem in a growing child.

Recently as I was sitting down with a group of mothers at the craft table at my son’s playgroup, Liz, whose sons were 3 years and seven months, loudly retorted to a question if her younger son could sit up, “He is so lazy, he can’t even roll over yet!”

The child was lying within an ear shot in an infant car seat/carrier; if the boy wasn’t hurt by that remark, I was. He is usually left strapped in there; get picked up occasionally for short feeds and then back again. He is usually very quiet and when he is awake, he just stares up in space, very much oblivious to the chattering of other children and women. Some of the mothers there often remark what a “good” baby he is. Sometimes I would say hello to him and he would usually return my greeting with a delighted smile. Once he was crying out more than usual, I pleaded with Liz to pick him up and give him a cuddle. She simply said, “no” and promptly picked up the carry handle and plonked the carrier on the coffee table indoors.

Like Liz, we all simply a product of our parents’ “uneducated” parenting. While schoolgirls learn home science (cooking and basic sewing skills) and boys are taught carpentry and simple electrical engineering at school, parenting as a subject is never taught anywhere. Not even the ante-natal classes I used to attend - they were all about preparation of birth and taking care of newborns. The education for parents on the mental and emotional development of a child is sorely lacking.

Raising a child is beyond providing him all the physical needs. Apart from the love and quality time a parent needs to shower on his/her offspring, nurturing a confident child must be a priority.

Mark A. Barnes in his “The healing Path With Children: An Exploration for Parents and Professionals” (2^nd Ed.) says for children to become confident they must first learn to trust their inner world and outer world. They need to feel cared about and take care of. Children who have been comforted when in discomfort need learn that someone cares about them. They learn by reaching out and touching the world through a cry they receive some comforting action. They learn to trust that the world is a caring place.

“For confidence to develop further, children need to be allowed to become increasingly independent. They need to learn through trial and error. At the same time, limits need to be imposed for their own safety,” he adds.

I fully agree with him when he says that it is in the child’s best interest to be allowed to get hurt in safe ways such as a scraped knee, a bruised elbow from a fall. The environment can be manipulated by the parents in a way where a child can explore extensively without danger. Obviously, children must be protected from electrical cords, matches, switches, etc.

“Confidence will develop when children have the opportunity to explore, the encouragement to explore and express themselves and guidance to learn from their exploration and mistakes along the way. Children who are so “safe” and restricted that they never are allowed to take any chances will not be able to develop confidence,” Barnes says.

He also emphasized on consistency and predictability to promote confidence and as the children grow, their views must be heard rather than being told what they should think or believe. “Even young children need to be encouraged to form opinions of their own.”

M.Masheder in his “Play and Creativity” (as quoted in Barnes’ book) says a positive side effect of confidence is that when a child is at ease with himself he can gradually feel kindness and compassion toward others. He provides some useful and practical guidelines for developing self-confidence:

• Don’t try to take over your child’s life, his play;
• Don’t be tempted into trying to think up ideas for him;
• Don’t try to entertain him;
• Don’t feel that if he is left to his own devices he will be bored. The child knows what he wants and what is right for him.

I know lots of people who are pretty left brained; by that I mean, they think things through thoroughly before they will use it (the knowledge) or accept it. They want to know the scientific facts, empirical studies and even though some things have been tried and tested for ages, they still maintain a “wait-and-see” attitude. Before I finished reading Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell’s “The Five Love Languages of Children” a few years ago, I was already sharing it with people around me. Some of my friends, who understand my usual enthusiasm about parenting ways, would normally hear me out and perhaps try to get a copy of the book to learn more. Others remain skeptical until there is more clout to it.

Well, something good has come out of this skepticism. It has just occurred to me that there is a scientific explanation to the Five Love Languages after all - from the neuroscience perspective. I’ve found Margot Sunderland’s “What Every Parent Needs To Know” an excellent source of scientific evidence. Sunderland, a child psychotherapist, is brilliant in her presentation of difficult jargon for the average layperson. It is, in my opinion, another book every parent should read. While she presents facts and lots of practical ways for loving parenting, “The Five Love Languages of Children” offers you additional tools.

When your child has his emotional tank filled (means he has received love through his primary love language, be it physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time or gifts), a surge of positive arousal neurochemicals, comprising mainly opiods, oxytoxin and prolactin, are activated in the brain. These hormones are powerful chemicals produced in the body and brain that give us a sense of well-being. Researchers found that when these hormones are strongly activated in combination, these neurochemicals provide us the deepest sense of calm and contentment.

When your child has lots of loving experiences in early life, her brain is constantly filled with oxytocin and opiods which make her feel very calm, safe and warm inside. Besides allowing her the best environment to explore the world with interest and wonder, she is building up the resilience to handle pain and stressful times in life.

Scientists have found that an individual’s psychological strength is linked to opiods being strongly activated in the brain; this simply means when your child is constantly flooded with opiods, she will grow being able to think under stress and calm herself, be socially confident, warm and kind. She will respond to personal feedback by thinking about what is being said rather than lashing out with anger or leaving and look into a resolution rather than blame in a conflict.

Do check out Gary Chapman’s website on his work at www.fivelovelanguages.com and find out what your child’s love language or yours if you still haven’t a clue. Lots of wonderful stuff there.

Every parent would unanimously agree that love is the foundation of child rearing. A child’s well being is dependent on the love relationship between him and his parent. According to co-authors Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell of “The Five Love Languages of Children”, unless you speak the love language that communicates to your child of your love, he will not feel loved.
What are the five love languages? Each child (as well as adult) expresses and receives love best through one of five different communication styles:
• Physical Touch
• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Gifts
• Acts of Service

It’s important to discover which one of the primary love language your child speaks because by “speaking” it, you can fill his “emotional tank” with love. When he feels loved, he would be much easier to discipline and train. If you have more than one child in the family, you will come to understand each may speak and hear a different love language.

Chapman and Campbell advocate that the best fuel for your child’s emotional tank is unconditional love; show love to a child no matter what the child looks like, regardless of his strengths, difficulties and how he acts. They believe no child can receive too much appropriate unconditional love and that a child may be “spoiled” by lack of training or by unsuitable love that gives or trains incorrectly.

Children need all five languages of love to keep their emotional tank full. To be effective in meeting his need for love, it is vital you learn of his primary love language, the one that speaks louder than the others. When your child is feeling discouraged or distant, you will be able to focus your love by expressing it in his primary language. You will find lots of practical ways to help you learn about your child’s primary love language in the book.

Just be forewarned that it might be challenging to try to figure out your child’s primary love language if he is under five years old. However, the authors reiterate that the foundation of love laid in the early years would not only increase a child’s ability to learn, it would set him up all through his adolescence. If a child enters the adolescence years with an empty emotional tank, he is particularly vulnerable to the problems of the teenage years.

The authors believe that by teaching our children to love others with all the love languages (through our examples) we will be helping them as they grow to become sensitive to the needs of others. To help an infant develop emotionally, you must express love in all the five languages. As your child grows, you will find that one of the five languages speaks far more deeply of your love than the others and when that one is used negatively, he will feel very hurt.

Discovering your child’s love language is a process and it takes time, particularly if your child is young as he is just learning to receive and express love in all the languages. By speaking your child’s primary love language, the authors maintain that it does not guarantee your child will not rebel later but he knows you love him and that can bring him security and hope.