For many generations, children had been raised to be seen not heard and to be totally submissive. If anyone dared to be an “individual”, he/she was classified as a rebel or “the naughty one”. As if the labels were not damaging enough, children were often told they were “useless” when their development was not up to expectations.

Two days ago while I was trying to make sense of my friend’s views on tantric sex at a busy coffee shop, my attention was inadvertently diverted to an elderly woman changing a young boy’s soiled shirt. I presumed it was soiled because they had their backs to me. What caught my attention was the woman’s stinging words: “You are so useless!” Although the boy was still in his diapers, he looked like a child of over three years of age. He probably had split a drink or food on himself. And the grumbling woman was probably his grandmother because there was a younger woman seated at the table with a smaller child.

I had been told the same countless of times by my elders when I was growing up and had heard it being said to other children. Recently when I visited my 93-year old paternal grandmother who could no longer sit up due to pain in her back, all she said to me was, “I am so useless now!”

Since I became a mother, I had often gently reminded my parents not to use the “useless” word in front of my children. I realized they probably didn’t understand how damaging that word was. They were probably not consciously aware that such a word could affect the level of self-esteem in a growing child.

Recently as I was sitting down with a group of mothers at the craft table at my son’s playgroup, Liz, whose sons were 3 years and seven months, loudly retorted to a question if her younger son could sit up, “He is so lazy, he can’t even roll over yet!”

The child was lying within an ear shot in an infant car seat/carrier; if the boy wasn’t hurt by that remark, I was. He is usually left strapped in there; get picked up occasionally for short feeds and then back again. He is usually very quiet and when he is awake, he just stares up in space, very much oblivious to the chattering of other children and women. Some of the mothers there often remark what a “good” baby he is. Sometimes I would say hello to him and he would usually return my greeting with a delighted smile. Once he was crying out more than usual, I pleaded with Liz to pick him up and give him a cuddle. She simply said, “no” and promptly picked up the carry handle and plonked the carrier on the coffee table indoors.

Like Liz, we all simply a product of our parents’ “uneducated” parenting. While schoolgirls learn home science (cooking and basic sewing skills) and boys are taught carpentry and simple electrical engineering at school, parenting as a subject is never taught anywhere. Not even the ante-natal classes I used to attend - they were all about preparation of birth and taking care of newborns. The education for parents on the mental and emotional development of a child is sorely lacking.

Raising a child is beyond providing him all the physical needs. Apart from the love and quality time a parent needs to shower on his/her offspring, nurturing a confident child must be a priority.

Mark A. Barnes in his “The healing Path With Children: An Exploration for Parents and Professionals” (2^nd Ed.) says for children to become confident they must first learn to trust their inner world and outer world. They need to feel cared about and take care of. Children who have been comforted when in discomfort need learn that someone cares about them. They learn by reaching out and touching the world through a cry they receive some comforting action. They learn to trust that the world is a caring place.

“For confidence to develop further, children need to be allowed to become increasingly independent. They need to learn through trial and error. At the same time, limits need to be imposed for their own safety,” he adds.

I fully agree with him when he says that it is in the child’s best interest to be allowed to get hurt in safe ways such as a scraped knee, a bruised elbow from a fall. The environment can be manipulated by the parents in a way where a child can explore extensively without danger. Obviously, children must be protected from electrical cords, matches, switches, etc.

“Confidence will develop when children have the opportunity to explore, the encouragement to explore and express themselves and guidance to learn from their exploration and mistakes along the way. Children who are so “safe” and restricted that they never are allowed to take any chances will not be able to develop confidence,” Barnes says.

He also emphasized on consistency and predictability to promote confidence and as the children grow, their views must be heard rather than being told what they should think or believe. “Even young children need to be encouraged to form opinions of their own.”

M.Masheder in his “Play and Creativity” (as quoted in Barnes’ book) says a positive side effect of confidence is that when a child is at ease with himself he can gradually feel kindness and compassion toward others. He provides some useful and practical guidelines for developing self-confidence:

• Don’t try to take over your child’s life, his play;
• Don’t be tempted into trying to think up ideas for him;
• Don’t try to entertain him;
• Don’t feel that if he is left to his own devices he will be bored. The child knows what he wants and what is right for him.