One of the books I read during my first pregnancy was “How To Have A Smarter Baby” by Susan Ludington-Hoe – a sure indication of my number one priority for my baby. In retrospect, almost all the material I devoured were about how to ensure I had an intelligent baby. Not surprising, even the name we chose for her meant, “extremely bright”. I am, not unique, in this quest to have a clever child. Which sane would-be parent does not wish for a smart baby?

I went for courses that taught parents how to stimulate and increase their children’s IQ and I spent considerable time putting all that I had learnt through books or workshops into practice. My “investment” paid off - she turned out to be reasonably bright. However, an experience of hers had  me convinced of a parent’s more important task: to help build self-esteem but  not necessarily the kind that comes with a high IQ.

One afternoon five years ago, my daughter had one of her most unhappy expressions when I collected her from her kindergarten. My five-year old did not offer me her usual greeting of “Hi Mommy!”

As we drove off, she blurted out: “Mommy, today Joe pushed me and when I fell down, he stepped on my head!” And she burst into tears.

After I calmed her down, I asked how her teachers resolved the matter. Joe was asked to stay put in the music room, where the incident occurred, until his mother came. I was satisfied with that and told my daughter to forget about it.

Little did I realise there were more horror stories about Joe. He was not well liked by the other children from the descriptions I gathered from my daughter. Almost always he was asked to stand in a corner or outside the classroom. As soon as he was put back into the classroom, he would reign terror again – shoving, pushing and annoying both his teachers and classmates.

Then I began to notice how it had become so difficult to get my usually chatty daughter to talk about school and when pressed further, she would only talked about snack time and music lessons. I also noticed she became very aggressive towards her younger brother, then aged two and half years. When reprimanded, she became hostile. On many occasions, she would scream on top of her lungs while running around the house and climbing on the sofas – which she never used to do.

I was at my wit’s end trying to understand her change of behaviour. It became a real challenge for me to maintain my composure each time she exploded or just being plain nasty to her brother.

Then the nightmares began. She would scream or kick her legs in the middle of the night and most occasions, it was difficult to wake her up. Upon waking, there would be a distress look on her face. No amount of hugs and reassurances could rid of them.

I took the matter up to the teachers. Apparently Joe had been terrorizing his classmates and teachers (he would be the first in school and last to leave) and his parents were at a loss on how to resolve his aggressiveness. The teachers described him as a restless but intelligent child and he also had a nasty streak. Although they couldn’t confirm it, they suspected Joe was an adopted child as he didn’t bear any of the physical attributes of his parents.

I then suggested some kind of assessment for him and that he was taken off from school until he showed improvement. But I was asked to be patient. As I was leaving, I bumped into two of my daughter’s former teachers. “Is it about Joe?” they asked. They also noticed a marked change in my daughter and that she seemed anxious and not as cheerful as she used to be.

Obviously Joe was a known bully, for want of a label. Some friends I spoke to said that my daughter would eventually grow out of it and told me to allow the school to handle it. After all, they said, she was only five! But I was not able to shake off my worries and her nightmares persisted.

I began reading up; she was coached to say: “No, stop it! It hurts me.” Whenever Joe was nasty, she was to tell her teachers. Unfortunately there were no remarkable changes. I wasn’t hitting it right on target.

Victims of bullies have low self-esteem. To help build a child’s self esteem is to help her learn to love herself. One way is to encourage her to discover her interests.

My daughter enjoyed drawing and fortunately we found an art teacher whom she liked. Then we enrolled her in a speech and drama course. She liked music and started on piano lessons with her aunt, a qualified music teacher and before long, she also found joy in ballet dancing.

On the home front, I became more watchful whenever she played with her brother, to prevent incidents that might give rise to aggression. We gave her more hugs and reassurances of love.

As for school, we gave it another go for a month. When we saw no improvements, we made the decision to move to another kindergarten. Within four months, my mild-mannered daughter was back on track. I never found out what happened to Joe. I hope he gets the right help he deserves – bullies are also people with low self-esteem.

I got the following funnies from a friend some year ago. You might have probably read it before. Read it again and have another good laugh – these funnies are aptly titled: Why We Love Kids

HONESTY

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he’d dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, “We better throw this one out too then, ’cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago”.

OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.  The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”

KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. “It’s the minister, Mommy,” the child said to her mother. Then she added, “Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

HELP FROM THE POLICE

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was

interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, “Are you a cop?” “Yes,” I answered and continued writing the report.

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right,” I told her.

“Well, then,” she said as she extended her foot toward me, “would you please tie my shoe?”

DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”

“And why not, darling?”

“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.”

BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. “Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.” What have you got there, dear?” With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

When the war broke out in Iraq in first quarter of 2003, the pre-school my then 5-year old daughter attended revamped their whole year curriculum. Apart from the mandatory learning as set out by the Ministry of Education, the teachers put together a most meaningful project espousing peace.

Through newspaper cuttings of the children displaced and orphaned by war, songs of peace, activities and games involving co-operation and a beautiful public art exhibition themed Peace and Harmony, my daughter and her friends learnt some powerful lessons that would last a lifetime.

If more schools and teachers work together to promote such peaceful ways, there will be fewer conflicts around us.

But how can we, as parents, help support such great work? Perhaps the keyword lies in “inner peace”. I have found that inner peace can be achieved and taught to our children by teaching them to love themselves.

When we are kind to ourselves, we tend to be able to acknowledge our strengths and weaknesses better. This will lead to a certain contentment and happiness from within. Theoretically, there will be little envy or even jealousy and perhaps intense rivalry and the power to control over others may not have the chance to manifest.

For many of us, self love can be pretty challenging, what more trying to teach (through example) it to our children. Take heart, it isn’t that difficult. Just think, if we can love our children so unconditionally, that very same feeling can also be extended to ourselves.

Let me share with you a tragic story that convinced me of the importance of raising children who love themselves.

In 2002, a friend related to me how his 23-year old brother-in-law took his own life by inhaling exhaust fumes in his car. This young man was then living with his parents in a very affluent neighbourhood. No one knew why he chose to end his life but the family was certain it wasn’t about money (debts). They wondered if it could be unrequited love. I felt sad for the old couple who lost their only son but sadder that he didn’t love himself enough to brave through the storm.

To me, children who grow up with a healthy self esteem (which also means they love themselves and have a certain level of contentment and inner peace) will weather out whatever that comes their way – regardless of their IQ score.

Most women featured in the mass media are always portrayed as successful in their careers and their role as a good mother and wife. These stories make a lasting impression on a lot of people and I am of no exception.

When I first became a mother a decade ago, I strove hard to become a “supermum”. I was convinced that if the women I read about could do it, particularly the many mothers who were also CEOs and entrepreneurs, I could too.

Imagine my pleasant surprise when a friend introduced me to a book on motherhood that debunks the myth of superwoman. In their book, Motherhood- Making It Work For You, Jo Lamble and Sue Morris firmly believe that if we allow the myth of superwoman to continue, then we as women and mothers are only setting ourselves up for failure.

Both authors maintain that it is clear from their discussion with women that the archetype of a “superwoman” doesn’t exist.

“Motherhood comes with a price and the price may be less sleep, less freedom, increased frustration on a daily basis, less time with your partner, friends and chosen career.

“Thinking you should be able to have everything and do everything is a recipe for guilt and disappointment,” say the two Australian clinical psychologists.

Looking back, I remember, for the first five years of motherhood, I had struggled, went off-track, scrambled back up and often at a loss as to where the supermum route was leading me. Often times I felt like a lone lost mountain climber not quite able to reach the summit.

It’s true, like Lamble and Morris say, I had tried too hard to have everything – a thriving career and being able to raise well-mannered, happy and healthy children. Before I became a mother, I was earning a five-figure monthly income from a sales career. But after reading many books on early childhood education and parenting, I was convinced that my children deserved the best six years of their early childhood.

For most part of my motherhood I had often said to my spouse, family and friends that my children were my first priority. And yet, I couldn’t help feeling helpless and sorry of the fact that my career was slowly falling into the doldrums.

Although I had the flexibility of managing a sales job and keeping a household as well as raising two children almost single-handedly (my husband was then working 12 hours daily), I still found it tough. To keep up with a sales career also meant at least an eight-hour daily work. To care and nurture young children was a 24/7 job. Now, how did those “superwomen” get their energy and their extra hours?

I was often overwhelmed by the fact that I could never earn the lucrative income so long as I was reluctant to put my young children into a full-time nursery care. I still believe that the first and the best teacher my children will ever have is their mother. Yet I had often wondered if the price I was paying was too high.

When I delved deeper into my predicaments I realised that it wasn’t the mega bucks that I was trading off. I had to come to terms with the deep-seated conditioning from society and my own mother that a homemaker (stay-at-home mother) had no monetary value.

Lamble and Morris say the belief that motherhood is undervalued stems from the fact that in our society no other job exists that is so labour-intensive for so little recognition. “While many individuals do not themselves undervalue motherhood, the reality is that in the Western world, acknowledgement for doing a job is primarily reflected by financial reward.

“…Therefore, mothers face an uphill battle. Not only are they judged less favourably purely because of their gender, but also they do a job, a great one at that, for no identifiable financial reward.”

They add the promotion of “superwoman” by the media is also evidence of how motherhood as an occupation in its own right is undervalued.

After reading the book twice, I learnt to prioritize and to accept when I had too much on my place and let go of the unimportant stuff so that the joy of motherhood might be more accessible. And, the more important thing was standing firm by my choice to be the primary carer of my children.

My proudest moment in being a mother had been the time when my then three-year old daughter proudly announced to everyone that she would be a Mother when she grew up. I couldn’t ask for a better honour.

Lamble and Morris’ book is truly a tribute to all women who are mothers. I strongly encourage you to read it.

As Vanessa, a mother of three (twins included) sums it up: “A book that encourages women to feel good about a lifestyle change when you become a mum and that it is alright for your life to fit around your children or family rather than bowing to the pressure that your children and family have to fit around your life. A book that encourages women to network with other mums as a way of support and shows women how to enjoy being a mum and to appreciate those beautiful moments.”

Happy Mother’s Day!