Mary Ainsworth developed John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory further in the 1970s. In pioneering “Strange Situation” study, researchers observed toddlers between the ages of 12 and 18 months as they responded to a situation in which they were briefly left alone and then reunited with their mothers.

Ainsworth categorized three major styles of attachment: secure, ambivalent and avoidant.

In the study, Ainsworth found when children were briefly separated from their mothers (caregivers), they displayed minimal distress because they seemed to feel assured that the mother would return. Termed as securely-attached children, they sought reassurance from their mothers when they were frightened because they had experienced comfort being offered when needed.

In contrast, ambivalent attached children became very distressed when a parent left and it was suggested that it was a result of poor maternal availability. These children had learned they couldn’t depend on their mother to be there when in need.

For children with avoidant attachment, they had no preference between a caregiver and a complete stranger and they tended to avoid the parent. This might be a result of abusive caregivers or being neglected and the children were punished for being dependent. These children learnt not to seek help in the future.

Such finding would have been most helpful to many ignorant parents if it is introduced during ante-natal classes. I have observed that many children in my midst are, unfortunately, with ambivalent and avoidant attachments. Most of them have been brought up by neighbours (stay-at-home mums) whilst their primary caregivers work outside the home, child minders at day-care centres who have more than a dozen of children in their care and grandmothers who live in another state.

Further research suggests that early attachments could have serious effect on the children’s later relationships. However attachment styles presented in adulthood are not necessarily the same as in childhood.

Securely-attached children tend to grow up as adults with a healthy self-esteem, maintain a solid romantic relationship and the ability to trust others. They find it relatively easy to get close to others and are comfortable in a give-and-take relationship . They usually don’t worry about being abandoned or someone getting too close.

In contrast, avoidant adults are rather uncomfortable getting close to others because they find it difficult to trust others completely. They have difficulty allowing themselves to depend on others. They get nervous when someone gets too close and they often feel their partners wanting more intimacy than what they could offer. I wonder if some of my friends who purposely choose to remain single and unattached intimately could have been children with avoidant attachment.

Anxious/ambivalent adults, on the other hand, find that others are reluctant to get as close as they would like. They often worry that their partner doesn’t really love them or won’t want to stay with them. They want to merge completely with another person, and this desire sometimes scares people away. If you ever hear someone introducing their spouse/partner as their “other half”, you would wonder whether they realize that they could have been an ambivalent attached child.

Interestingly, there are counselors in the UK who specialize in couple relationships using creative arts therapy to have a better insight into problems relating to attachment issues. I was fortunate to have had a first-hand experience with Prof. Monika Jephcott (of Academy of Play and Child Psychotherapy) during the Play and Creative Arts certificate course last year. In an exercise using eight bits of plasticine of two different colours, one of the colour representing myself, I moulded the bits according to four scenarios:
• Me and my primary carer (how she/he might have felt)
• Ideal relationship with primary carer
• Who is closest to me now?
• How would I like it to be?

Through this powerful exercise, I had a better understanding of the Attachment Theory and of my relationship with my spouse. Although I had grown out of my attachment style in childhood to be a securely-attached adult (the third scenario), my last moulded bits were interpreted as a “regression”. It reflected a conflict I was having with my spouse at that time. As it had surfaced to my awareness, I was able to work it through with a lot of self-reflection and sharing with him. It was a potent balm for a deep wound  resulting in a giant leap in self growth.