The moment we, mothers, open our eyes each morning, we spring into action. Things get done on auto-pilot mode. In our busyness, we often neglect the tiny part within that needs nurturing and some pampering. For some mums at my youngest son’s playgroup, they rejuvenate with a massage at the spa, coffee with a girlfriend or just a soak in the bath. Unfortunately for me, I could only “drool”.

By some stroke of luck, a few months ago I found myself in a 10-day meditation retreat. Since becoming a mother a decade ago, there had only been three times I was away from my children – the longest trip was over four nights. Guilt was mostly the chief cause. I never went anywhere on my own before the retreat. Ten years of living as a wife and mother, I was getting weary. Don’t get me wrong. I was (still am) happy with my marriage and three children. I just felt a certain “emptiness” within – sort of like an inner child that wanted some much needed attention.

It wasn’t easy the first few days in the retreat and it was worse in the nights – I was missing my youngest, three years old, who was still co-sleeping with us.

As talking was not strongly encouraged and because the women who shared my room were strangers to me, it became easy for me to slip into a different role – just being me!

In those 10 days, I was neither a mother, wife, daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, niece, granddaughter, a friend – just me! Not living to anyone’s expectations; just my own, or not to live to any expectations.

There was no need to rush to do the things I had to do to fulfill all my roles. It was indeed a relief (I must confess, the relief only came towards the sixth day) – a respite from all the busyness of a worldly life.

In the 10 days of silence (except for the 10-minutes of daily reporting to the meditation teachers), I had a pervasive glimpse of insight: how my thoughts had shaped my personality.

The nature of my dealings with others; my judgements; my critical thoughts about everything and those around me. I came to understand that the judging, criticizing, blaming could be put to an end. By noting the thought process, I experienced that nothing was permanent – everything was changing and in a state of flux.

When the judging, criticizing, blaming stopped, I felt like a weight had been lifted off. Something got thrown off. The drama of my interactions and disharmony and discord with others, that had happened oh, so very long ago, returned to taunt me. When I finally got weary of the never-ending soap opera in my mind, in that moment I made a resolve to put in a little more effort into the noting of the thought process. The moment I became alert to the story of the drama, it came to an abrupt end. It was like, a snap decision to turn off the TV. Relief. Peace.

The retreat had been an excellent way for me to return to my inner being; to be in touch. And, to understand the role of the ego in our lives.