Sometimes it is hard to go against common perceptions. Since the birth of my daughter, I had people saying to me, “Oh, it’s so nice to have a girl because you can doll her up.” And I had comments by relatives about my daughter’s lack of dressing sense – would you believe, at that time my daughter was only five years old? They thought it wasn’t “classy” enough and that her hairstyles were so dull.

I couldn’t stop their comments nor reject their gifts for my daughter. “Wear this dress and tie up your hair this way, you will look very pretty,” they would say to my daughter. Before long, my daughter who had for the initial years preferred cotton tee-shirts and shorts/leggings, took a huge fancy to dresses. She also began to believe that long hair would make her look pretty (also due to peer pressure – most of her classmates had long hair) and wanted the same.

I have always tried to be careful with my choice of words about appearance with her. When I braided her hair once, I merely said, “You look neat!” I would have preferred to say, “You look really cute like a doll!” Whenever she tried to head off to school without brushing her hair, I would say, “Don’t go with your messy hair.”

Despite being mindful of the appropriate words to use with her, my daughter is much influenced by what her friends’ say. She hasn’t had her hair braided again because she didn’t like it when her friends commented that her braids had looked different from theirs. When she told us, we tried to explain to her that her own preferences were more important to herself than what others thought of her.

To be able to stand tall in one’s very own space, the key is self confidence. When I reflected on my own shortcomings, I realized that I hadn’t learnt to love myself as I was growing up. Perhaps this is the first step – to teach my children to love themselves.

As soon as my children are old enough to tell me that they love me, I would ask them, “Do you love yourself? Don’t forget to love yourself!” I hope by saying it often enough, the message will get across.

I always remind them to be kind to themselves; whenever they lose a game or can’t complete a task, it’s better to let “that awful feeling go”. I’ve found this “letting go” is a huge challenge for them – come to think of it, it’s not that easy either for an adult. Whenever the opportunity arises, I would ask, “What would you say to the other players, if you lose a game?” My quick thinking daughter had once replied without hesitation, “Oh, that’s okay. It’s only a game. I still love you.”

Children are essentially kind hearted and loving towards their family and friends; if they are encouraged to be as loving to themselves, they will not fear failure and rejection. Confidence comes to any child who loves herself and believes in herself.