A few days ago, I walked into a restaurant hoping to pick up five pieces of freshly made Indian-styled bread in a jiffy. I placed my order with the man behind the cashier and headed straight to the counter where a young girl was doing the packing. I noticed a pile of cooked bread ready for customers; they were still warm and most likely had been left there for the past half hour.

I asked for two types of curries (to go with the bread) and repeated my order of five pieces of bread to her. Behind the huge hot plate, a cook was flipping six pieces of well done bread. My eyes were drawn to the cook as he piled the six pieces by the side; silently hoping they were meant for me.

Just then, the owner came over to help. He reached out for the the warm bread. When the girl finished packing the curries, she asked in surprise why I hadn’t asked for the freshly cooked bread. It dawned on me that the man had packed the bread for me and not for another customer who had come earlier. I turned to the man but he gestured my order was already packed.

In that split of a second, I debated whether I should ask for the fresh bread.

I did have a choice: ask for the best (i.e. the freshly cooked steaming hot bread) or settle for second best (i.e. warm bread). I accepted his offer and while waiting for my change, I learnt one of the most important lessons in my life: what I give is what I receive.

Had I been giving my best all the time?

If I expect to be given the best (without having to ask for it), I ought to ensure I give my best; in whatever work I do, whatever service I render and whatever words I speak.

Since that moment, I have been keeping tabs on my actions. Honestly, it hasn’t been easy. However, whenever I caught myself trying to cut corners or justifying half-hearted efforts, I remembered my second-best bread.

It is also the same with parenting. Have I been doing my best as a role model for my children? It isn’t about achieving perfection, rather the energy behind the efforts. Instead of making any judgements about my children’s work, both my husband and I guide and encourage them to do their best. Their efforts are applauded and appreciated. I can see this means much more to my children.

In this day and age where drugs are so easily available, parents must be well informed about its effects to ensure our children grow up making wise decisions. In a recent study published in Psychological Science, which followed 1,037 children aged from three years to 32 years, children who tried drugs or alcohol before age 15 were two to three times more likely to become dependent on the substances, to contract sexually-transmitted diseases, to drop out of school or to be convicted for a crime.

The respondents, at ages 13 and 15, were asked if they had sniffed glue, gasoline or other inhalants or had used illegal drugs or drunk alcoholic beverages in the past year. They were also assessed for conduct disorders such as fighting, bullying, destroying, telling lies, truancy and stealing before their teen years and their family history, including whether either parent had a criminal record and whether the child was mistreated.

Those who were exposed to drugs and alcohol before age 15 also had significantly more criminal charges while the girls who experimented with the substances were more likely to become pregnant before age 21.

In another finding (www.dramenclinic.com), 52 per cent of adolescents would have consumed alcohol by their 8th grade while 41 per cent have smoked cigarettes and 20 per cent have used marijuana.

As a parent, I am well aware that merely informing our offspring about the findings might not hit home with them. The well meaning words might come across as nagging even. Last week,a dear friend (a consultant kinesiologist who works with children of all ages on their learning blocks and brain integration) sent me a very beautiful DVD by Dr Daniel Amen titled: Which Brain Do You Want?

The DVD features chats with five young people from different backgrounds, with different levels of substance abuse, including two who chose to stay clear of drugs or alcohol. They talk about how their choices have had affected their quality of life.

The highlight of the video is the brain scans of these youngsters. Viewers can see how drugs and alcohol can damage one’s brain and the physical impact of the substance on brain function.

If this video is shown in every classroom of youngsters aged 12 and above, the impact it creates will be tremendous. Millions of dollars are spent each year on campaigns to get our kids off the substance. In my opinion, when these kids are bombarded with lectures and posters throughout, somewhere along the way, their brains have tuned out. Perhaps by showing them evidence of how drugs and alcohol damage their brains, they might be able to make the right choice for life.

A friend with three boys aged 11-18 years wrote to me about receiving nasty threats that stemmed from a soured business dealing. She was fearing for her children and wanted me to know about her predicament so that if should anything happened to her and husband, her boys could trust me.

I felt honoured to be counted upon as a trusted friend by this couple, more so because they stood by their principles. Her husband, John, resigned as a non-executive director because he didn’t agree with some management decisions on their public-listed company. Apparently that didn’t go down well and my friends had been getting late night nasty calls to their home and mobile phones.There was nothing else they could do after making numerous police reports about the threats.

Here is an excerpt of my email reply to her:

“For standing up to your principles and having your conscience clear are what make you and John the best members in our community and the best parents for your children. Try not to allow fear to overpower you both…when people are motivated by greed, they lose all judgement. They make mistakes and resort to nasty ways to “keep alive” - as they have wrongly perceived that they needed to do that for survival.

We are all motivated by the basic instinct to stay alive and to protect what is most dear to us. You and John and this man are reacting and responding the same way except that you are from the opposite ends.

My feelings are that to allow the wave to ride away. Keep the boys safe and tell them to take extra precautions when they move around at school or college - not instill fear but just be extra careful. Come home early and inform parents where they will be.

I know it is most challenging to try to keep a calm mind - but you could try to wake a bit earlier and sit in silence. Maybe just to contemplate on peace and safety for family members and the world as a whole. Imagine a white protective light surrounding your house and all family members. Invoking the blessings from the Goddess of Mercy, Kwan Yin might also be helpful.

Your boys can come and talk with me anytime they want to. Take good care - when we stand by the truth, that in itself will protect us. May you and family be safe and protected always.”

by S Jayasankaran

You know why you have to be nice to your kids? In the end, they’ll choose your nursing home.

Anyway, I have great confidence in Raisa. She’s 16 and my only child and I think she has great taste in nursing homes so I’m not worried at all. Well, at least that’s what my wife says and I have even greater confidence in my wife. You think?

She was a lovely child and when she was born it was love at first sight. Until, of course, she took a second look.

Anyway, I digress. She was a really good kid and, at five, she went to the United States with my wife who was beginning her PhD at the University of Georgia . So she had to go to school there which was how I suddenly had a six year-old daughter with a slight Southern accent who used to laugh at the way I spoke. Inspecting her homework one day when I went to the U S, I had great hopes for her impending medical career: she certainly had the handwriting for it.

Then she came back at the age of eight, began going to school here and, slowly but surely, the accent began fading, catalysed, no doubt, by the puzzled looks thrown her way by her friends who all spoke “normally”. But she was also changing. In those days, she couldn’t wait to be with her parents and she wanted to go everywhere we went.

But in her teens, she couldn’t wait to be with her friends and wouldn’t be seen dead holding my hand when I sent her to school. It was that awkward age where they all knew how to start a phone call but didn’t know how to end it.

I remember going to Singapore for an Eagles concert. I mean, here we were talking about Don Henley and Glen Frey, we were talking legends. And what does Raisa say? “No, you guys go ahead, I think I’ll just stay here in the hotel and watch TV.” Go figure!

Well, it wasn’t all bad. Another time, I persuaded her to come with us to watch David Gates at Genting, pointing out that this was the guy who’d composed and sung “If” and “Make It with You”, songs she’d loved as a child. After the show, she grudgingly conceded that Mr Gates was OK but said that I was embarrassing to go with because I’d allegedly sung along. And loudly! So I pointed out that I’d sung melodiously as well.

She said, “Allegedly, Daddy.” Now there’s a future lawyer for you!

What can you say about teenagers? They march to a different kettle of fish, a strange breed of human beings who express their desire to be different by dressing alike; who stop asking where they came from but won’t tell you where they are going.

My wife nods tolerantly and says it’s just a phase. But I don’t remember going through such a phase. If I did, I probably had to cover it up as my father and nearly all my teachers knew that “a phase” was nothing a well applied slap couldn’t cure. It was different in those days because Suhakam * hadn’t yet been invented and no one had any right to have “phases.”

Next year she will be seventeen and she wants to take her driving test. When a teenager wants to drive, wise parents do not stand in their way but I think there’s a good case to be made that only 21-year olds be allowed to drive.

Is Suhakam listening?

(* Editor’s note: Suhakam is an non-governmental organisation advocating human rights)

Raising a child is a devotional path , a model of selfless service

Story  by SANITSUDA EKACHAI

“Bloom where you are planted.” That is the motto of Jacqueline Kramer, who believes mothers can attain enlightenment right in their kitchen while cooking dinner or doing the dishes.

The motto comes from a poster where she had a retreat many years ago, said the author of Buddha Mom , a book on the spirituality of mothering.

“It dawned on me that I didn’t need to go to far-off places or engage in strange unfamiliar practices - I can become enlightened right here where I am, right now, as I engage in mothering and house-holding. ”

Motherhood is often glorified to silence women’s self-realization urges. Homemaking and service is also often demeaned as a symbol of female subjugation and weakness. For Kramer, motherhood is a perfect spiritual practice.

“Motherhood is a beautiful container of the virtues we need to develop our spirituality,” she explained.

“While monks and nuns in different faiths devote themselves to develop unconditional love, selfless service, good will, joy for others’ happiness and the ability to let go, these are actually what mothers do in their everyday life.”

If mothers do their selfless nurturing while practising mindfulness - being constantly aware that whatever arises will pass away naturally without being lost in the ups and downs of emotions - then they can grow leaps and bounds spiritually, she advised.

Writing from her own experiences as a single mother and a meditation practitioner, Kramer’s Buddha Mom : The Path of Mindful Mothering has inspired many mothers to bring spirituality into their lives.

Recently in town to receive the Outstanding Buddhist Women Award, Kramer, 56, has also set up free online classes for mothers who want to grow spiritually and can study more deeply about the Buddhist teachings or share their experiences at their own pace, in their own time.

Born into a Jewish family, Kramer says she is blessed to have a mother who allowed her and her brother to explore their own spirituality.

It was her brother who first showed her the power of mindfulness practice. “I saw he returned from a retreat clear and calm. So I decided to give it a try.. I was amazed at how calm I felt,” she said.

From there, Kramer started learning more about the teachings, which made her realize that meditation is more than a stress relief technique but a spiritual practice to understand Nature’s law of impermanence in order to transcend the false sense of me and mine.

It came to a point when she wanted to be ordained. But her meditation teacher asked her to consider setting an example for lay female householders instead, which has been her life mission ever since.

When she started a family and became pregnant, Kramer already had practised mindfulness meditation for three years. Being in the present moment helps to do away with the fear and anxiety many women experience during pregnancy. The big mindfulness test came in the delivery room when the pain of birth hit her in successive waves.

“I just watched the pain, being aware of each moment without thinking. I just experienced it and surrendered. I eventually became relaxed and soft when I gave birth, being happy and in the present.

“It taught me that we cannot escape pain but suffering is an option ,” she added.

Mindfulness has taught her that happiness is a choice.

“When confused or in a bad mood, don’t deny it. Just see it, observe it, don’t fight against it. Surrender and watch it without judgement, and the dark feeling will miraculously dissolve by itself,” she continued.

Being in the present moment in whatever one is doing, be it cutting vegetables or washing the dishes, the mindful state will create a space between oneself and the problem. ” With space, you can look at things fresh, and solutions will come from that ,” she said.

Motherhood, she says, embraces all shades of metta ( loving kindness ), karuna (compassion), mudita ( appreciative joy ) and upekkha ( equanimity).

“Motherhood gives us a glimpse of unconditional love. It expands our capacity to love, to give and to empathize with others in difficult situations,” she added.

Meanwhile, the joy of watching one’s child learn how to talk, walk and progress through each step in life - a practice of mudita - helps make the difficulties in parenting bearable and everyday life fulfilling.

When a child grows older and becomes a teenager, however, “that’s when equanimity comes to our rescue“, she mused.

“Upekkha , or onlooking equanimity is the ability to observe struggles, joys and all other states of the mind with open and loving detachment,” she explained.

“Upekkha comes from the realization that pain is part of growth and human condition. It is the courage to look on lovingly at things we cannot change. It’s the courage to let our children be who they are, to accept that we don’t have control. That we can only influence,” she said.

This process of letting go is an important aspect of Buddhism. ” That’s why mothering is a direct path to spiritual insight,” she affirmed.

Equanimity is also the courage to resort to “tough love” when need arises.

“Tough love demands letting our children experience the consequences without interfering but with deep love in our hearts,” she said.

Be it about sacrifices or tough love, the spiritual mother spoke from her own real life experiences.

Kramer became a single mother when her daughter Nicole was three. Choosing to fashion her work around her daughter’s schedule, she sacrificed a job as a professional singer, which would have required her to be away from home on tours, and decided to work as a part-time singer and nurse’s aide.

While mothering teaches her selfless love for her child, it has also taught her, through tears and laughter, she needed to have enough loving kindness for herself  too, in order to be able to forgive herself for letting negative thoughts and emotions take over.

Such mistakes are frequent. And without self-forgiveness, one cannot possibly go on trying again and again to undo ingrained habits that unleash hurtful words and actions that one later regrets.

What to do when challenged with an argumentative child? Kramer’s advice : Be mindful. And use anger as a meditation object.

“Everything that happens can be used as a gate to enlightenment,” she explained , drawing from the teachings in Buddhism.

“If angry, use it as a gate. By not resisting it, not thinking that you or your emotions are bad, by just letting it be, watching it without feelings of stress or fear, there will be space around the emotions. Then you won’t have the reactions you used to have.

“By not resisting it, it disappears. By not giving anger any more power, it fades. It’s incredible. Then there will be more peace in the home,” she explained.

Anger does not disappear overnight with meditation , however. Things that bugged you still do but not as strongly, which is why continued practice is all the more important. As part of her daily practices, Kramer has turned everyday life routines into mindfulness practices. ” While I was watching vegetables, for example, I was aware of what I was touching. I felt the knife go through the vegetables. I watched my thoughts, my feelings, my words.

“By being mindful, no matter how your life is, what’s before you is always fresh and new.”

To help with daily practices, Kramer also does her retreat once a year to deepen the calmness and insight needed to cope with the challenges and uncertainties each day brings.

By being mindful, she has discovered free will to choose to be happy or unhappy. There are always good and bad sides in all things, she said. “Our free will gives us the power to choose what to focus on. This is the greatest power we ever possess.”

By being in the present moment, she also has stopped blaming others for her problems. “I’ve come to realize that my happiness does not depend upon the environment. It is something I carry inside me and I am responsible for my own happiness.”

Meanwhile, she has discovered that the life of service, both at her home and at the nursery, is a boon to her spiritual practice. “I learned that the surrender of ego must precede selfless service,” she said. From that springs generosity. “Joyful service also connects us with those around us.”

Focusing on helping others also takes one’s mind out of one’s problems. “By taking a break from my negative thinking I can shift the course of my thoughts from destructive to productive.”

Despite the joy of motherhood, parenting for her is not always a pretty picture. “By the time Nicole was 14, she was totally out of control,” she recalled. Out of “tough love” she decided to send Nicole to a camp for attitude adjustment.

“There is a fine line between equanimity and coldness,” she noted. “But out of love, you need to do what we have to do to instill strong discipline with loving support.

“Back then, I lit a candle each night when not having control to remind myself that I’m here for now, and to hold on to love as a mother, knowing that nothing can change that love.”

While a spiritual practice can help a mother calmly cope with the child’s teenage angst, sports, music, any forms of passions will provide some discipline, which will help them through to adulthood against negative peer pressure and media influences, she advised.

“Remember, the child learns from who you are. It won’t show when they are teenagers. But it will show itself.”

While the teenage years are often stormy “the good news is that they eventually come back to you”, she said, beaming. She and her daughter, now 26, and a mother herself, are closer than ever before.

Now, for Kramer, it is time for sharing. And time to give motherhood its due respect. Both in the society driven by material success and in the realm of Buddhism.

With society looking down on service, women who are happy to serve her family and community are under-appreciated, undervalued and underpaid. Kramer knew it firsthand. Describing herself as a homemaker most always guaranteed a disapproving look. “And when I worked as a nurse’s aide, I was treated like a second-class citizen.”

But service is a core aspect of feminine psychology and spirituality, she pointed out. It requires generosity, endurance and selflessness - all the important values all faiths say are necessary for a happy society.

“We need the balance between yin and yang , between femininity and masculinity to create a happy society,” she added.

When competition and conquest - often defined as masculinity - has become the world’s obsession , the imbalances have generated violence in both personal lives and society at large. For Kramer, the first step to strike a balance is to respect the value of service and those who serve.

As a lay female Buddhist, Kramer’s other mission is to prove that female householders can also attain enlightenment. So far she has not yet found any such stories in the ancient texts , although it is impossible to believe that it has never happened.

“Why haven’t their stories been passed down ?” she asked. “Is it because women were illiterate , too busy to write, or is it because they lacked meditation access ? Whatever the reasons , it is now time to gather stories of mother’s enlightenment experiences for our daughters and sons.”

It is not out of pride. Rather, it is an effort to make spiritual practices more women-friendly by recognizing women’s nature and conditions in order to make spirituality possible through their own specific experiences.

For mothers, it is empowering to realize that raising a child is a spiritual service and mothering is a model of selfless service. Knowing that they are actually on a spiritual path, they can turn their home into a temple, use everyday challenges to develop mindfulness and loving kindness, and use their own children as their teacher of impermanence surrender and letting go.

“Children grow. They change every minute. And they leave us one day. They are not ours. No one is. They are temporarily in our care.

“Things are always changing. And when I am aware of the fact that the situation I am in will change , then I can keep a sense of humour. I can take a deep breath .”

With that, whatever seems unbearable lightens. Enlightenment may be many lifetimes away, but spiritual mothering - as Jacqueline Kramer has found - will make a long journey joyful, here and now.

Source : http://www.bangkokp ost.com/270708_ Outlook/27Jul200 8_out001. php

Many working parents inadvertently miss out on opportunities to help their children develop optimism due to their long hours spent at work outside the home. When they get home, all they feel like doing is chill out and for those without extra help, will have to get down to managing the household. Cooking and cleaning usually take precedence over spending some quality time with the children.

One woman I know typifies the average working class mother. Her eldest daughter, aged 12, has been given the task to care for her siblings from aged 3. When there are four children, her number two takes over the caring of number three whilst the eldest takes charge of the youngest. When she gets home at 10.30pm (she works at the mall which operates from 10am to 10pm), she expects the house to be in good order. Her husband usually works the graveyard shift as a security guard but when he has to do the day shift, the two older ones do not attend school as they are needed at home to babysit the younger siblings.

Since early February when I started working with the older two girls at their school (as part of a community service programme), I have been unsuccessful in getting an appointment to meet with the mother until last week. She could make it this time as she has stopped working temporarily to prepare for the birth of her fifth child who will be due in two weeks.

Over the weeks as I observe the two girls in their play individually, one common trait that stands out is their inability to overcome a challenge. Whenever the older one tries to make something and if it fails to meet with her expectations, she has no qualms in squashing it and not attempt to do it again. Initially I gave her the space to vent her frustration and allowed her to be. After a number of similar sessions, I asked if she would be willing to share how she was feeling. She said it was no use trying because she could not get it right.

The younger one, aged 9, never got close to the craft table for the a good number of sessions. In the last two sessions when she discovered the therapeutic effects of working with clay, she displayed some level of delight. However, she too shows the same frustration and will simply refuse to try again.

From the long chat with their mother the other day, I have a better understanding why these two girls have the tendency to give up easily. Their mother admits to “always scolding the older ones” because that is how things can get done around the house.

When I tried to point out that to help children develop optimism, they must feel good about themselves and they need to hear when they have done a good job. “No,” she retorted. “I cannot praise them, particularly the eldest one. They will get it up in their heads and they will be worst. Of course I do praise them, but only behind their backs, in front of their father or my sister.”

Many books on parenting that I have read emphasise the importance of praising children when they have done something worthwhile because they deserve to be encouraged to do their best. They will come to feel they are valued and worthwhile when they are included in our daily activities, naturally in the age appropriate activities. However, when they are given the tasks beyond their abilities, they would feel overwhelmed. In time to come, they will start to feel they are not good enough.  They won’t know nor understand that the tasks and responsibilities assigned to them are simply too big for their age. The nine-year old is expected to bathe and feed the younger ones as a daily chore. She was once absent from school because she had to stay with the younger siblings while her mother went out for an ante-natal check-up. Father was at work and the eldest insisted on going to school.

Most will agree that optimism will develop as children learn that challenges can be faced and obstacles can be overcome. But when the challenge is too great and inappropriate, these two girls have inevitably learnt that when something is too much to handle, it is best to leave it alone. Perhaps it is better not to even try.

M.E. P. Seligman in his “The Optimistic Child” (1995) says that when children fail to reach some goal or don’t perform a task well, instead of trying to make them feel better by denying reality, validate their disappointment and teach them active problem solving. Guide them in explaining failures optimistically and accurately. Help them to see what they could do differently in the next attempt. However, don’t take over the task for them because this gives them the message “I don’t think you are capable of doing this.” Instead teach them to master the task through small, achievable steps. Teach them to solve problems rather than turning away from difficulties. It is important not to solve every problem for your child and once you give yoru child space to solve his own problems, you must not be overly critical of his attempt. Last but not least, Seligman offers another gem: “Model a flexible problem-solving strategy yourself.”

For many generations, children had been raised to be seen not heard and to be totally submissive. If anyone dared to be an “individual”, he/she was classified as a rebel or “the naughty one”. As if the labels were not damaging enough, children were often told they were “useless” when their development was not up to expectations.

Two days ago while I was trying to make sense of my friend’s views on tantric sex at a busy coffee shop, my attention was inadvertently diverted to an elderly woman changing a young boy’s soiled shirt. I presumed it was soiled because they had their backs to me. What caught my attention was the woman’s stinging words: “You are so useless!” Although the boy was still in his diapers, he looked like a child of over three years of age. He probably had split a drink or food on himself. And the grumbling woman was probably his grandmother because there was a younger woman seated at the table with a smaller child.

I had been told the same countless of times by my elders when I was growing up and had heard it being said to other children. Recently when I visited my 93-year old paternal grandmother who could no longer sit up due to pain in her back, all she said to me was, “I am so useless now!”

Since I became a mother, I had often gently reminded my parents not to use the “useless” word in front of my children. I realized they probably didn’t understand how damaging that word was. They were probably not consciously aware that such a word could affect the level of self-esteem in a growing child.

Recently as I was sitting down with a group of mothers at the craft table at my son’s playgroup, Liz, whose sons were 3 years and seven months, loudly retorted to a question if her younger son could sit up, “He is so lazy, he can’t even roll over yet!”

The child was lying within an ear shot in an infant car seat/carrier; if the boy wasn’t hurt by that remark, I was. He is usually left strapped in there; get picked up occasionally for short feeds and then back again. He is usually very quiet and when he is awake, he just stares up in space, very much oblivious to the chattering of other children and women. Some of the mothers there often remark what a “good” baby he is. Sometimes I would say hello to him and he would usually return my greeting with a delighted smile. Once he was crying out more than usual, I pleaded with Liz to pick him up and give him a cuddle. She simply said, “no” and promptly picked up the carry handle and plonked the carrier on the coffee table indoors.

Like Liz, we all simply a product of our parents’ “uneducated” parenting. While schoolgirls learn home science (cooking and basic sewing skills) and boys are taught carpentry and simple electrical engineering at school, parenting as a subject is never taught anywhere. Not even the ante-natal classes I used to attend - they were all about preparation of birth and taking care of newborns. The education for parents on the mental and emotional development of a child is sorely lacking.

Raising a child is beyond providing him all the physical needs. Apart from the love and quality time a parent needs to shower on his/her offspring, nurturing a confident child must be a priority.

Mark A. Barnes in his “The healing Path With Children: An Exploration for Parents and Professionals” (2^nd Ed.) says for children to become confident they must first learn to trust their inner world and outer world. They need to feel cared about and take care of. Children who have been comforted when in discomfort need learn that someone cares about them. They learn by reaching out and touching the world through a cry they receive some comforting action. They learn to trust that the world is a caring place.

“For confidence to develop further, children need to be allowed to become increasingly independent. They need to learn through trial and error. At the same time, limits need to be imposed for their own safety,” he adds.

I fully agree with him when he says that it is in the child’s best interest to be allowed to get hurt in safe ways such as a scraped knee, a bruised elbow from a fall. The environment can be manipulated by the parents in a way where a child can explore extensively without danger. Obviously, children must be protected from electrical cords, matches, switches, etc.

“Confidence will develop when children have the opportunity to explore, the encouragement to explore and express themselves and guidance to learn from their exploration and mistakes along the way. Children who are so “safe” and restricted that they never are allowed to take any chances will not be able to develop confidence,” Barnes says.

He also emphasized on consistency and predictability to promote confidence and as the children grow, their views must be heard rather than being told what they should think or believe. “Even young children need to be encouraged to form opinions of their own.”

M.Masheder in his “Play and Creativity” (as quoted in Barnes’ book) says a positive side effect of confidence is that when a child is at ease with himself he can gradually feel kindness and compassion toward others. He provides some useful and practical guidelines for developing self-confidence:

• Don’t try to take over your child’s life, his play;
• Don’t be tempted into trying to think up ideas for him;
• Don’t try to entertain him;
• Don’t feel that if he is left to his own devices he will be bored. The child knows what he wants and what is right for him.

Here is a short video by Christopher Westra, the author of “I Create Joy” on how to transform negative emotions into joy.

For more information, go here: I Create Joy

A friend, who now lives in Amsterdam, was in town and the five of us got together for dinner. We hadn’t seen each other for a few years and we spent the evening catching up as well as reminiscing our good old days at university. Two of these friends live alone (not in a relationship either) while the other two have partners but no kids. At some point I wondered aloud what would have been my lifestyle if I hadn’t become a wife and a mother with three children. If I were still single, I am certain, I would still be living with my parents. I doubt I have the guts to live on my own; going home after work to an empty quiet place. Before I could muse further, both these women replied that if I had their kind of relationships with their mothers, I would relish the idea of living on my own.

We parted ways and once I got home, after spending a bit of time with my two older children (who were getting ready for bed), I decided to check my emails quickly. I thought the youngest (aged three and half years) could wait. While I was running through my emails, one of the women I had dinner with invited me to chat online. She wanted to talk about something she wasn’t comfortable to share earlier with the group.

Just then, my boy came up to me and said softly, “Give me a hug please.” Immediately I felt guilty for not putting him first. As I held him close, he whispered, “Thank you so much.” That touched me tremendously. When I shared it with my friend, she replied: “That’s what you don’t get when you live alone.”

I have given up working full time since having my daughter a decade ago. Sometimes I feel very sad when I see how much ahead my peers have gone ahead in their careers. To compensate for this, I try to find the little bits of joy from being with my children in their growing years. Five years ago, when my daughter learnt about occupations at kindy, she was asked by her teachers what she would like to be. Without any hesitation, she said, “I want to be a mommy.” I felt very honoured and humbled that a five-year old could understand what it meant to her to have a mother around most of the time.